Finding my voice . . . again

When I first started blogging several years ago, I did it as a fun experiment.  Truthfully, I thought the idea of pouring out what was essentially my inner monologue for all the world, or one other person, to read was a bit presumptuous and narcissistic.  Though, there was always the chance that someone might like it or someone might find it useful in getting bored to sleep at night.  So, I gave it a go.  And I loved it. 

As I struggled with finding my purpose in life and becoming a new mother, I had a space in which I could be truly, authentically me.  I didn’t have to worry about what my bosses, my partner, my family, my friends, or anyone would say because I kept my identity hidden.  It was a huge release.  And, most importantly, it kept me writing.  Almost every day. 

Then, I moved over to this platform and struggled with wondering if I should be taking my blog in a certain direction.  It became less about me and more about ideas of what I thought it should be.  It faltered.  And then I made a horrible mistake.  I blogged something intensely personal that wasn’t mine to share.  What was mine to share was the subject of the blog, but I did an extremely poor job at protecting the identity of the other person involved and I hurt, likely deeply hurt, at least two people.  That isn’t me or what I am about.  I try to be compassionate and caring.  I try to be one of those who lifts others up.  But, I had let myself get to a place where I actually ground someone down for the purpose of writing a post I thought would be interesting to others as well as to me.  Once I realized my motivations weren’t as pure as I had initially led myself to believe, I decided to take a blogging break and work on my novel.  I wanted to be immersed in fiction because the ugly truth about myself was more than I wanted to face.

But, now I find that as I struggle to wrap up my novel, I have lost my way again.  Or more specifically, my voice.  The bulk of it is what I would want it to be, or close enough.  But, as I try to get a handle on my main character, I find I have lost touch with ways to get there.  Maybe it is my irregular writing schedule.  Or, more likely, it is because I have let go of my one true connection to my own inner life.  And if you can’t grasp your own inner life, how can you grasp another.  So, I am back here, hoping to reconnect to writing on a daily basis and hoping to reclaim my voice, with minimal collateral damage.  Another fun experiment in the offing.

7 comments on “Finding my voice . . . again

  1. Some of us from the old neighborhood are still out here, still posting, still lurking. Good to see you pop up again, you’ve been worried about, wondered about and generally missed.

    • Thank you, K. I’ve missed you and the others, too. I’ve just been getting my head on straight. It’s been quite a year. But, I am doing well and getting ready to welcome a little girl into our world (due Mar. 16). I am also considering giving up or severely restricting my Facebook usage because I realized it has become a surrogate for actually communicating and connecting with people on a deeper level. We shall see….

      • You’ve definitely had your hands full. A little girl! You must be beside yourself with joy! How awesome. Have you come up with any names yet?

  2. Kzinti, she was actually born 8 hours after I responded to you. Her name is Belle Maev

  3. Am really glad that you’re blogging again. I love the way you write and it’s an absolute pleasure reading what you have to say. Here’s to getting your mojo back.

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