It’s been so many years
Since you were more than a ghost
Yet I return to you, grasping
At nothing but air
Though I finally appreciate you
The way I should have
When our knees threatened connection on a summer porch
You sit with me through the dark and the cold
I feel your hand on my back
An icicle on my spine
And I wonder why we waited so long to touch
I’d touched others
They had your face
And I could have sworn it was you
When the sun returns, you release me
As though that’s what I want
Perhaps it’s my penance
Only getting the winter together
The time when it’s so hard to see
There are things I’d wished we’d done before
You’d decided to go it alone
Things I wish I’d had the courage for
That I’d licked sweat off the side of your neck
After you’d come back from a long run
The taste of you and your efforts filling my head
Like the smoke of the longing does now
That our bodies were slick with moonlight in a lake
Somewhere we weren’t supposed to be
That I’d kissed you the way you deserved
With presence and delight and deep gratitude
My eyes peeking open to see yours closed
Not just a passing peck in fear of what could be
Of the woman I would have to become
If I let you inside
Though it seems you already knew
The back way in
That I had engulfed the physical form of you
So I would have something to carry
Beyond wondering and wishing
That I had taken the time to commit you to memory
Your odd way of speaking
An affect I recall noting
Though the specifics evade me now
Your frequent use of the side eye
Whatever it is your middle initial stands for
Anything that could help me piece together
The you I want so much to hold
I should have known you were only passing through
Your frame seemed impossibly light
But it carried with it the whole of my heart